Cancelling Plans Due to Chronic Illness

When you live with chronic illness, you’re navigating a landscape of unpredictability. Some days are manageable, but all too many become insurmountable challenges. For many spoonies, the hardest part of their conditions isn’t even the physical pain—it’s the disappointment, guilt, and frustration that come with explaining why you can’t make it again. The constant need for adjusting or cancelling plans due to chronic illness can be absolutely overwhelming.

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The information in this blog post is provided for educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read online. The author of this post is not a licensed medical professional and does not assume any liability for any actions taken based on the information contained in this post.

“I’m sorry, I can’t make it.”

For those of us with chronic conditions, most days are like a game of roulette. Maybe you’ll even wake up feeling ready to take on the world, yet symptoms flare up out of nowhere. And, yet again, there go any plans you’ve made.

The people around you may not see the exhaustion, pain, or side effects happening behind the scenes. It’s difficult for some to see that cancelling plans isn’t just about “not feeling up to it” or “being too tired” (though those are valid reasons, too—remember, no is a complete sentence!). You’re managing limited energy, prioritize basic needs, and making these tough decisions to avoid a complete physical collapse.

If you’re immersed in modern society, you like feel the unrelenting need to “keep up appearances” despite overwhelming fatigue, pain, or cognitive struggles. Society often views cancelling plans as someone lacking commitment, dedication, or reliability, not an act of self-preservation. This even happens to otherwise healthy folks dealing with acute illness—there’s an intrinsic guilt to cancelling plans with the people you care about.

The stigma surrounding chronic illness, though, often forces us to minimize how much we reveal about our condition mask symptoms in order to avoid judgement. This pressure to perform normalcy can exacerbate symptoms further in a truly impossible balancing act between managing symptoms and meeting social expectations.

The Emotional Complexity of Cancelling Plans

Cancelling plans comes with a mix of emotions that can be even more challenging than the symptoms that lead to them. Each cancellation carries the weight of potential disappointment and criticism. Even knowing that your symptoms are out of your control, there’s still a real guilt that often follows.

The Fear of Being Perceived as Unreliable

In a world that prioritizes productivity over all else, chronic illness creates an ongoing internal conflict between the desire to be dependable versus the need to protect your health. This fear of being seen as flaky or unreliable easily leads to pushing yourself to attend events even when you shouldn’t, if only because you’re worried about letting others down. Over time, this pattern can worsen symptoms and negatively impact your well-being. But even then, the societal pressure to “show up” often makes it difficult to enforce boundaries.

The Anxiety Before Committing to Plans

Long before an event occurs or you can determine whether cancelling plans is necessary, an anticipatory anxiety can creep in. You might hesitate to make plans, knowing the uncertainty of your symptoms. The fear of potentially cancelling plans can lead you to avoid making them in the first place, contributing to the feelings of loneliness and isolation that are already so common in spoon life.

Navigating Different Reactions

Ideally, the people around us understand the circumstances that lead to cancelling plans in the first place. But not everyone will react in the same way, and the range of difference responses can significantly affect your emotional state. By understanding the range of reactions and how to handle them, you can make the aftermath of cancelling plans a little less overwhelming.

Disappointment from Loved Ones

Even when friends and family try to understand your chronic illness, it’s natural for them to feel disappointed when it comes to cancelling plans. While it’s important to acknowledge their feelings, you also have to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. This validates their feelings without compromising your need for rest.

You might say something like: I know you were looking forward to this, and I was too. I’m just not well enough today, but maybe we can reschedule when I’m feeling better?

People Taking It Personally

Sometimes someone will react to you cancelling plans as if it’s a reflection of your commitment to them. While it’s tempting to over-explain or apologize in excess, it’s helpful to clarify that your decision is based solely on your health needs. Reinforce that your absence is not a personal choice against them—if they continue to react as if it is, you may want to consider rethinking the relationship.

You might say something like: I wish I could be there, but I’m experiencing a symptom flare-up and need to rest.”

Cancelling Plans Repeatedly

When you’re dealing with chronic conditions, cancelling plans becomes more frequent, which can take a toll on your mental health as well as your social life. Having to say “no” or “I can’t make it” can feel like a constant reminder of the limitations your illness places on you.

Feeling Disconnected

Every new missed even contributes to this sense of isolation. Over time, friends may start to invite you less often, assuming you won’t be able to make it. Of course, this leads to a cycle where the less frequently you’re included, the more isolated you feel. Consider reaching out in small ways to maintain connection, such as sending a quick message to say you’re thinking of someone on the day of an event you couldn’t attend. This can help keep the relationship alive, even when you can’t be there in-person.

Managing Expectations

Setting realistic expectations with friends and family about your capacity for social activities helps reduce the emotional burden of cancelling plans with chronic illness. Have an open discussion about the nature of your condition, explaining that cancellations may be more common but are not a reflection of your feelings for or commitment to them. You can also suggest more flexible plans or schedule regular video calls that can be adjusted based on how you’re feeling.

Embracing Self-Compassion

The lingering guilt or sadness after cancelling plans can feel like a cloud that hangs over you. It might help to remind yourself of why cancelling plans was necessary in a particular instance, whether to prevent a symptom flare-up or because you genuinely needed rest. If you’re up to it, engaging in a comforting activity like watching a favorite show or taking a relaxing bath can also help you transition from the disappointment to a state of self-care.

Letting Go of What-Ifs

It’s common to second-guess yourself after cancelling plans—”What if I had just pushed through?” “What if they’re upset with me?” These scenarios are mentally draining and can’t change the outcome. Try to take a moment for mindfulness or a quick mental check-where you acknowledge the realities of your condition. Remind yourself that rest is a priority, and those lingering doubts might dissipate at least a little.

Managing Social Commitments

Cancelling plans can be unavoidable, but you can put a few strategies into place to help reduce their impact.

RSVP-ing “Maybe”

If making a firm commitment is concerning, knowing that cancelled plans is a likely possibility, try taking a “maybe” approach to accepting invitations. Let the host know you’ll confirm closer to the event, depending on how you’re feeling. This way, you’re keeping social doors open without so much pressure.

Suggesting Low-Energy Options

If you’re worried about cancelling plans, propose activities that require less physical or mental exertion. Opt for low-energy gatherings, like casual coffee dates, movie nights at home, or small gatherings with just your closest friends. These options let you connect without the exhaustion of larger events or high-energy activities.

Creating a Plan B

Having a backup plan for connecting with friends or other loved ones can give you a fallback to reduce the anxiety around cancelling plans. For example, if you need to cancel an in-person meetup, could you manage a virtual catchup? If not, can you reschedule?

Communicating You Boundaries

Expressing your needs and limits without feeling like you need to apologize over and over can be a challenge. This is all the more important when people don’t understand chronic illness.

Here are a few tips for navigating these conversations:

Be Honest, But Brief

You don’t need to disclose every detail of your health! For those who genuinely care, “I’m not feeling well enough today” should be sufficient. And if someone has a bigger problem with it, it’s unlikely that more explanation would change their perspective anyway.

Set Expectations Early On

When you’re making plans, be transparent about your condition(s) and its impact. Let people know upfront that cancellations are sometimes necessary and out of your control. While they may still be disappointed, they’ll at least be aware of the possibility ahead of time.

Chronic illness doesn’t have to ruin your social life entirely, it does require both you and those around you to adjust your expectations. Cancelling plans is okay. It’s okay to prioritize your health and set boundaries that protect your energy!